How to Get Out of Mom Guilt
Mom guilt is a very real thing. I feel as though it's something that mothers can experience even before giving birth. Things like worrying about how they want to raise a child, worrying about going back to work, trying to find a balance between relationships and parenting, and so much more are difficult things for anyone to face and handle appropriately. But the best way to defeat mom guilt is to face it and become a solution seeker. The more we meditate on our shortcomings, the less time we are actually dedicating toward fixing them.
I would like to discuss the topic of napping. Since my child was born, I have been nursing him to sleep for nap time. If I placed him in his bed and he cried, after a while, it would make me feel guilty and I would go back to nursing him to sleep. I have since realized that my inability to allow him to be independent and learn how to self-soothe has enabled him to continue to rely on me for a skill that he needs to learn. And instead of learning the skill, he instead has learned that all he needs to do is fuss and Mama will come running.
While I am generally uncomfortable with the cry-it-out method, one thing I have learned is it's important to go through a mental checklist first. On this mental checklist is a list of needs that your child may have. For example, if your child sometimes struggles with colic you may have Gripe-Ease on your list, which is a formula that will help them with discomfort in their stomach. Or if your child eats a lot then eating more may be something that is on your list.
My mental checklist looks something like this:
Is he hungry?
Is he thirsty?
Is he in pain or discomfort?
Does he have a clean diaper?
Is he crying because he needs something or is he just protesting a transition that needs to happen?
So essentially the way that I use my checklist is I asked myself each of those questions and I make sure that his basic needs are met. Then I tackle mommy guilt by addressing the last question about whether or not he is just experiencing growing pains.
Sometimes our children need us and that goes without saying, but sometimes if we are not careful our children can and will manipulate us. Not because they are malicious or bad, but simply because if they get the chance to choose between extra attention or less attention they will go with the method that will bring them extra attention. And oftentimes that may mean crying, throwing a tantrum, or doing things that trigger that reaction from Mom, Dad, or their caregiver.
With time, I have observed that my child can nap on his own and it is simply the case that he would prefer not to. So during nap time, I have to use discernment and get out of my own way. As much as I would love to save him and cuddle, I can't prevent him from learning skills that he will need in the years to come.
Do you have mom guilt about going back to work?
I understand why you may feel guilty about going back to work, after all, maternity leave is only so long and your child is generally still a newborn by the time you head back to work. For many moms, this may mean more formula than usual, pumping on your lunch break or whenever you have free time, leaving the child with a caregiver for the first time, and possibly still experiencing postpartum hormones that are still in the process of getting back to normal. Perhaps everything in you wants to be able to say “I wish I was in a position to be there for my child all the time,” but I want you to know that whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a mom who works outside of the home you are no less of a great mother.
If you are going back to work it is because your family needs the income. Sometimes the best way to love your family is to do what you need to do and choose that discipline over your preferences. Going back to work is you securing your family's future and choosing to sacrifice some of your ideals to keep a roof over your head. That is not easy to do and if that is you, I admire you for that. In addition, many moms may feel that they will miss milestones such as walking, potty training, and many other things. Though this may be true in some instances, a remedy for that is to make the time that you do have together meaningful. You can still have a great relationship with your child as a working parent, so long as you are intentional.
Look at it this way: with your paycheck, you can afford to do fun things, to do things that your child likes to do, to go on family vacations, to feed your child healthy foods, to make sure that they are in good hands while you are working, and most of all to take good care of yourself so that you can be the best mother possible to your children. That last point brings me to another way that moms may experience mom guilt.
Are you struggling with me time?
Dear Mama, you are Superwoman in the flesh. You don't need to count how many hours of sleep you’ve lost; how many changes your body has gone through to bring life into the world; or how much you have sacrificed to raise your child in order to know that you are Superwoman. If you have the title of “mom”, you are likely a very busy person.
Because you care for your family, it can be very tempting to put them first, even before yourself. But if you do not practice self-care, it will be very difficult to be your best self daily. You are at your best when you are refreshed, fulfilled, happy, healthy, and able to do things that you love.
It may seem counterintuitive, but the more that you are able to continue to be in tune with who you are as an individual, it will fortify you with the strength needed to become more and more comfortable with who you are as a mother, or as a wife, or as a friend. A cup can only pour out when it is full, so look at your heart that way. You can give away more love when you feel loved. You are more likely to have the energy to play with your children when you are well rested yourself. So though the guilt may creep up on you because you want to do different things for yourself, keep in mind that even your “me time” is a gift to your family. It is because you take care of yourself, that you are able to take care of them.
In conclusion, I hope that this article has encouraged you wherever you may be in life. As mothers, we take on so much and do so without complaint. It is almost as if motherhood is synonymous with being tired, running around, and wearing an incredible number of hats. Though this may be the case for you and me, it is important to continue to challenge ourselves to also take a step back and look at our lives with a fresh perspective. We can love our children without getting in the way of their progress (ie. what I discovered about nap time). We can work hard for our family without sacrificing our ability to get to know and spend quality time with them. Finally, we can be confident that as we continue to take care of ourselves by pampering ourselves and doing what we love, we will gain the energy to love and take care of our family more efficiently and with more joy than ever before.