How to Encourage Independent Play
My son is my first and only child and I’d never been around a baby for long before I had him. Needless to say, I wanted all the cuddles. He has always been a baby that likes to hug and snuggle and I wanted to soak in that stage. As he’s gotten older and has become better at being independent, I’ve found that my obsession with him may have interfered with some of the things he was ready to learn. For example, I held him a lot but he was probably ready to crawl long before I let him explore on his own. I helped him during playtime all the time and he knew how to entertain himself.
Why is independent play important?
What does life look like without inviting kids to use their imagination?
Well, nearly 75% of infants and toddlers are exposed to television before they turn two. 68% of children under the age of two have at least two hours of screen time daily. 43% of babies watch TV every single day. 74% of kids over the age of two have exposure of up to four hours each day. Sprigs has a great blog written on the power of having children play outside barefoot. Many experts agree that walking barefoot decreases anxiety, increases the circulation of the body, and improves overall health. Rather than keeping your child’s feet cooped up in shoes, walking barefoot is a simple way to improve their health. You can check out the article here.
“The inability to play independently inevitably increases the child's sense of dependence on the adult. “ — Janet Lansbury
Step 1: Start slow and study your child(ren)
At first, just sit silently beside them as they play instead of joining in. Kids let you know when they need engagement and when they don't. One thing I expected when I tried this with my one-year-old son was that it’d be an instant transformation. I expected to wake up one day and have him magically stop speed-crawling after me when I walked out of a room. That hasn’t happened yet but I was so encouraged to know that it’s a process. The fact that it takes time doesn’t mean we’ve failed at this task.
Step 2: Create opportunities for your child to be independent
Schedule scenarios into the day where they can be independent. For an infant under six months old, this may include tummy time, laying them on their back, giving them a safe toy to play with on their own, placing them in a jumper, or giving them a (drool-proof) book to look at. You can cease eye contact and talking during this time. The goal is that you are nearby as reassurance for them, but they are learning to do what it takes to amuse themselves. In addition, at a young age, things that are simple to us, are fascinating to a baby. Looking around the room, looking at you, exploring their fingers, exploring their voice, looking out the window, or sometimes waving their arms around are all things that are interesting and fun.
Step 3: Train yourself
Now, we are in the middle of the process of transitioning from him having to play with another person all the time, to playing on his own. Inserting myself into his game of playing with a car is an innocent thing in that I may want to show him some of its features etc. However, it can be counter-productive because when he wants to play together he makes his way over to me but other than that he is perfectly content to talk to himself and play. Thus as parents, we must train ourselves. During the sessions of free play, train yourself to read a book, or observe an activity without getting involved. Train yourself as your child gets older to allow them to reach certain milestones at their own pace. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t play with or hold your child. It just means letting go a little and giving them an opportunity to safely explore the world around them as a growing little boy or girl.
More than ever, it is important to help our children learn how to stay active, amuse themselves, and live life without being constantly glued to a screen. Infants glued to a screen for hours can easily become teens and adults that are glued to multiple screens with less self-control to pull away. One wonderful privilege we have as parents is to set the tone for what our children become used to. We have some say over what behaviors become habitual because of certain things, like screen time or diet, that we introduce them to.
Step 4: Set realistic expectations
These are important factors to consider before beginning a play session:
Are they fed, changed, and well-rested?
Are they sick or otherwise uncomfortable (teething, digestion issues, etc.)?
How do they handle fast transitions? Do you plop them down and walk away or ease them into play?
Are you treating them according to their personality and learning style? Do you possibly expect them to catch on the way their sibling, cousin, or even the way you did as a baby?
If you've placed toys in front of them be sure to minimize that number down to three toys. You can swap them out once they get bored of that selection.
Playing games like peek-a-boo or hide and seek may help your child learn the concept of object permanence. This is the knowledge that because something is out of sight, doesn't mean it's gone. When the parents leave the room, the child eventually learns they haven't vanished.
If you'd like independent play to include screen time, that's a perfectly fine decision. Just be sure that the device doesn't replace parenting or playing altogether. Sometimes parents plop their children in front of screens for hours daily simply because it's easier. Let's try to be open to encouraging our children to use their imaginations. Mom and dad can get a well-deserved break while the child is doing something educational.
An infant under 6-12 months may play independently for a couple of minutes at first before they want to play with their caregiver instead. It depends on the child. Toddlers may be alright alone for sessions as long as 20 minutes. Just know that this time will adjust as the kid gets older and as you continue to tie these sessions into their daily schedule.
If it seems like your child isn't catching on, don't be too disappointed. It's a learning process that is fast for some kids if they are naturally independent. For the child who wraps themselves around your leg when you turn to leave the room, it may take more time and practice. This doesn't mean they’ll never learn. It's easy to get caught up comparing our child’s milestones to others. Whether a child learns to walk at nine months or three years, the point is that they’ve learned the skill and will be using it for the rest of their lives. The same is true for independent play. It will happen given consistency and patience. Though learning patterns may look different for each child, the ultimate point is that they feel loved as children and eventually become confident, healthy, and independent adults.